The Arizona Review » Rants

Joaquin Phoenix – Actor turned Rapper? Jigga What?

Casey Armstrong — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 19:32:36 +0000

Joaquin Phoenix is supposedly going from Actor to Rapper.

I know the latest Hollywood fad is to capitalize on the fact that you’re famous and rake in as much cash as you can with as little talent and effort possible, but come on – Joaquin Phoenix becoming a rapper is a stretch. Maybe if he said he was going into folk or country music it would be more believable; hell, even if he said he was going to become a world class yodeler I would believe that before believing that he can drop rhymes in a way anyone would care to listen to.

After seeing his mug recently, I would say yodeling could work for him.

His rap album is supposedly being produced by Sean Combs; a.k.a Puff Daddy; a.k.a P. Diddy; a.k.a That dude from those lame-ass MTV reality shows that nobody watches; a.k.a The guy that exploits Biggie Small’s name like president Bush exploits 9/11; All for the all-mighty dollar. I will give Sean Combs this: He’s a masterful marketer. He successfully plays to the lemming-like tendencies of the American people that will buy damn-near anything if it has a celeb’s name attached to it.

So – as if this story were not bad enough — it actually gets worse. Casey Affleck (Ben Affleck’s little brother) is following Phoenix around with a video camera; filming his transition from actor to rapper for a documentary he is putting together for the “aspiring rapper”.

(Insert uncontrollable laughter here)

I call bullsh*t on this whole story — and here’s why:

First of all, anytime you have P. Diddy involved in anything, you know it has to be some kind of promotional, self serving, scheme to push some piece of crap product that he’s selling.

Second, Phoenix is a pretty-damn-good actor and an equally crafty schemer.

And finally, why the hell is the little brother of the most over-rated actor ever, going around filming this whole charade for a supposed “documentary”?

Outside of marketing, none of the characters involved have a single ounce of creative ingenuity; everything they do is a well written role, a sampled hit from the 80′s, or their last name is Affleck.

In the end, my bet is that this will turn out to be a Sacha Cohen (a.k.a Borat) mockumentary-type rip off! Yup, I called it first. Holla!

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A note from the AZR editor: We certainly hope this is a stunt of some sort and not what appears as if it could be a mental breakdown on Joaquin’s part. Video of Phoenix attempting to rap on stage can be found on TMZ. What do you think?

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Paris Hilton thinks she can Jump Start her Music Career

Deziree Muudie — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 16:53:42 +0000

How can you jump-start something that was dead to begin with?

I don’t get it. Paris Hilton is reportedly hard at work on her sophomore album release, which is said to include this dandy little track titled Jailhouse Baby.

Hilton’s latest song Jailhouse Baby reportedly delves into the heiress’s experience during her time in a Lynwood California jail. Mind you, the Lynwood jail is said to be a walk in the park compared to the Los Angeles county jail – which is home to, well, all of the “regular” criminals in Los Angeles county.

I won’t even get into what I think about Paris Hilton’s voice – which sounds like it’s been synthesized to hell; I’ll let you listen for yourself and form an opinion as to her vocal talent (cough). What really irks me personally are the lyrics, which are a lame attempt to somehow relate Paris’s “horrible experience behind bars” to the masses.

The lyrics of Jailhouse Baby literally invoked my gag reflex.

CNN and MTV
All cameras focused on me
Helicopters up above
Oh, what a travesty

There’s a crazy world at war
Right outside of my front door
They’re wasting time on me
I’m just a jailhouse baby

Oh, I’m [seeing] so sleepy
Jailhouse baby
No window the the world
I’m a little, I’m a little jailbird

Cool nights and freezing water,
Fluorescents always on
Stuck here behind this glass
My parents see their daughter

Judge, you’re no celebrity
You’re a desperate wannabe
Sourpuss, you’d rather leave
Real criminals on the streets

Oh, I’m [seeing] so sleepy
Jailhouse baby
No window the the world
I’m a little, I’m a little jailbird

Handcuffs and cold concrete
Notes slipped right under my door
Look at me, caught in this cage
Just like an enemy

Like a public enemy
Make a martyr out of me
How dangerous can I be?
I’m just a jailhouse baby

Oh, I’m [seeing] so sleepy
Jailhouse baby
No window the the world
I’m a little, I’m a little jailbird

All those lonely nights of terror
I thank you for your letters
Words from around the world
For the lonely, little jailbird

Still haunted by my errors
Why’s the system so unfair?
But I’m stronger than before
No, I’m no longer scared.

So now that she’s done “hard time” (20-some-odd days), Paris feels the need to make a little chump change by selling her vocalized version of events. Who exactly does she think this song will identify with? I doubt there are many other people out there that can say that:

They are bazillionaire heir’s to a massive fortune and know no life outside of being waited on hand and foot — AND –
They have been sentenced to time in a jail where the worst thing there is to complain about are the fluorescent lights and the cold water.

I really had nothing much against Paris before hearing this song - really! I am admittedly not a huge fan and never really followed her career, but there was practically no way to live in Los Angeles and not hear about the Paris Hilton jail story every waking minute. When she was allowed to go home after serving less than one day of her 45 day sentence I was appalled, but remember, I live in Los Angeles: home of OJ Simpson and Michael Jackson – I’ve learned not to be surprised about such things. I really could have gone on about my business and never been forced to go on this tirade had I never heard this song.

Lastly (and I rest my case – I swear), I still can’t get over this part of the song:

Judge, you’re no celebrity
You’re a desperate wannabe
Sourpuss, you’d rather leave
Real criminals on the streets

So apparently, driving around drunk off your ass is not a crime?

Hey Paris, just because you’re not a real singer or a real actress doesn’t mean you aren’t a real criminal.

If I were the music police, I’d lock your ass up for recording this ridiculous song.

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Crack a Bottle – Eminem’s New Track: Is Eminem on Crack?

Deziree Muudie — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 16:46:20 +0000

Maybe Eminem should have remained on hiatus. His new track Crack a Bottle leaves me wondering…is he on crack?

Back in the day, Eminem’s Marshall Mathers CD was one of a select few that was constantly bumped in my ride – his beats never let me down. I think the man is a fantastically talented rapper, so when he decided to go on an extended hiatus a few years back, I was pretty disappointed. With that said, you might understand my excitement today when I heard that Eminem’s new track titled Crack a Bottle featuring Dr. Dre and 50-Cent could be heard online at SPIN Magazine; I was so excited in fact, that I shut down anything near me that made noise and told my friend, “Shhh…this is gonna be good” as I proceeded to hit the play button.

My excitement over Eminem’s new track quickly faded into a look of “What the f…..”?

Crack a bottle starts out with Eminem shouting “Ladies and Gentleman, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…”, (ok, he was right on so far) and with a tempo that you hope will pick up, he proceeds to go on about Slim Shady’s rap sheet containing some amount of murders, assaults and rapes — Huh? Is bragging about the number of rapes you’ve committed the new thug-shock-value-statement? I guess just saying you “murdered a fool” isn’t good enough anymore.

The most ridiculous part of Crack a bottle is during Eminem’s introduction of 50-Cent – his name is overly white-breaded to sound phonetically correct. Hey, I’m white and even I know it’s pronounced FIDDY – geez!

Crack the bottle literally goes no-where. The dead tempo never picks up; instead it flat-lines to the point of boring. The chorus, which repeats “Where’s the rubbers? Who’s got the rubbers?” while it does promote safe sex, also promotes dead lyrics. There is no flow, no clever lyrics and certainly no old-school Eminem style; Hell, there’s barely any Dr. Dre or 50-Cent style on this track.

Crack a bottle is mediocre at best and If he keeps up like this, Eminem won’t need those rubbers he’s been looking for; he will have effectively sterilized his career.

Photo Source: SPIN Magazine

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Safety pins printed on clothes

Nubia — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 07:21:08 +0000

During the 80’s a revolution called grunge began by the great Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden and other local bands from Seattle, WA. Grunge referred to the dress of that time mostly consisting of thrift store bargains that gave a somewhat dirty, homeless feel. At that time, mainstream clothes were too constricting, and uptight for the sounds that left you in a trance, floating away in a park somewhere. However, the thrift store wardrobe had a downside. Clothes were used, and thus would tear easily. Safety pins served a function which was to keep clothes together. Most clothing had to be held up with cheap tools that required minimal effort, and were cost effective. My favorite pair of shoes in high school had duct tape around them because the soles had fallen off and the tape was keeping them together. Jeans had safety pins because they were too torn up to bother with a needle and thread (plus who has that kind of patience?). So, now, you can go to your local mall and buy a brand new shirt with safety pins PRINTED on them. Are safety pins really that cool? Do they have an unusual shape that is appealing to the eye? I don’t think so, but it is reminiscent of that era. Do me a favor, if you want a safety pin, wear it out of necessity, not because your mom took you to the mall and bought you “bad ass” clothing.

SAFETY PIN?

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Emo-lifestyle not a diagnosis

Nubia — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 07:09:21 +0000

Emo (short for emotional) is a counterculture springing from hardcore and punk music which was popular in the 80’s to today. An emo person is one that is introverted, shy, sensitive, and depressed, but also follows a particular fashion. I have actually found websites that give a recipe on how to become an emo, down to the hairstyle, type of clothes, and examples of poetry topics (yes suburbanites even you can find something wrong). Apparently, unless these rules are taken seriously, you might be seen as a poser, and not emo. Don’t think that it is enough just to be a depressed and sensitive individual, if you don’t have the “look” you might as well go to the doctor for some happy pills because you wont fit in with other Emo’s that are trying to set a name. A person who is truly depressed and introverted would not care what they look like because too much effort would go into waking up and facing the day, rather than making sure your natural roots don’t show and heading toward the drug store to pick up a box of black dye. The key here is that effort is counter indicative to the definition given. No, my little Emo’s we are not staring because of how you dress, but that time is spent to get it right.

emo

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