How can you jump-start something that was dead to begin with?

I don’t get it. Paris Hilton is reportedly hard at work on her sophomore album release, which is said to include this dandy little track titled Jailhouse Baby.

Hilton’s latest song Jailhouse Baby reportedly delves into the heiress’s experience during her time in a Lynwood California jail. Mind you, the Lynwood jail is said to be a walk in the park compared to the Los Angeles county jail – which is home to, well, all of the “regular” criminals in Los Angeles county.

I won’t even get into what I think about Paris Hilton’s voice – which sounds like it’s been synthesized to hell; I’ll let you listen for yourself and form an opinion as to her vocal talent (cough). What really irks me personally are the lyrics, which are a lame attempt to somehow relate Paris’s “horrible experience behind bars” to the masses.

The lyrics of Jailhouse Baby literally invoked my gag reflex.

CNN and MTV
All cameras focused on me
Helicopters up above
Oh, what a travesty

There’s a crazy world at war
Right outside of my front door
They’re wasting time on me
I’m just a jailhouse baby

Oh, I’m [seeing] so sleepy
Jailhouse baby
No window the the world
I’m a little, I’m a little jailbird

Cool nights and freezing water,
Fluorescents always on
Stuck here behind this glass
My parents see their daughter

Judge, you’re no celebrity
You’re a desperate wannabe
Sourpuss, you’d rather leave
Real criminals on the streets

Oh, I’m [seeing] so sleepy
Jailhouse baby
No window the the world
I’m a little, I’m a little jailbird

Handcuffs and cold concrete
Notes slipped right under my door
Look at me, caught in this cage
Just like an enemy

Like a public enemy
Make a martyr out of me
How dangerous can I be?
I’m just a jailhouse baby

Oh, I’m  [seeing] so sleepy
Jailhouse baby
No window the the world
I’m a little, I’m a little jailbird

All those lonely nights of terror
I thank you for your letters
Words from around the world
For the lonely, little jailbird

Still haunted by my errors
Why’s the system so unfair?
But I’m stronger than before
No, I’m no longer scared.

So now that she’s done “hard time” (20-some-odd days), Paris feels the need to make a little chump change by selling her vocalized version of events. Who exactly does she think this song will identify with? I doubt there are many other people out there that can say that:

1. They are bazillionaire heir’s to a massive fortune and know no life outside of being waited on hand and foot  — AND –
2. They have been sentenced to time in a jail where the worst thing there is to complain about are the fluorescent lights and the cold water.

I really had nothing much against Paris before hearing this song -  really! I am admittedly not a huge fan and never really followed her career, but there was practically no way to live in Los Angeles and not hear about the Paris Hilton jail story every waking minute. When she was allowed to go home after serving less than one day of her 45 day sentence I was appalled, but remember, I live in Los Angeles: home of OJ Simpson and Michael Jackson – I’ve learned not to be surprised about such things. I really could have gone on about my business and never been forced to go on this tirade had I never heard this song.

Lastly (and I rest my case – I swear), I still can’t get over this part of the song:

Judge, you’re no celebrity
You’re a desperate wannabe
Sourpuss, you’d rather leave
Real criminals on the streets

So apparently, driving around drunk off your ass is not a crime?

Hey Paris, just because you’re not a real singer or a real actress doesn’t mean you aren’t a real criminal.

If I were the music police, I’d lock your ass up for recording this ridiculous song.