Back in the day, Eminem’s Marshall Mathers CD was one of a select few that was constantly bumped in my ride – his beats never let me down. I think the man is a fantastically talented rapper, so when he decided to go on an extended hiatus a few years back, I was pretty disappointed.  With that said, you might understand my excitement today when I heard that Eminem’s new track titled Crack a Bottle featuring Dr. Dre and 50-Cent could be heard online at SPIN Magazine; I was so excited in fact, that I shut down anything near me that made noise and told my friend, “Shhh…this is gonna be good” as I proceeded to hit the play button.

My excitement over Eminem’s new track quickly faded into a look of “What the f…..”?

Crack a bottle starts out with Eminem shouting “Ladies and Gentleman, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…”, (ok, he was right on so far) and with a tempo that you hope will pick up, he proceeds to go on about Slim Shady’s rap sheet containing some amount of murders, assaults and rapes — Huh? Is bragging about the number of rapes you’ve committed the new thug-shock-value-statement? I guess just saying you “murdered a fool” isn’t good enough anymore.

The most ridiculous part of Crack a bottle is during Eminem’s introduction of 50-Cent – his name is overly white-breaded to sound phonetically correct. Hey, I’m white and even I know it’s pronounced FIDDY – geez!

Crack the bottle literally goes no-where. The dead tempo never picks up;  instead it flat-lines to the point of boring. The chorus, which repeats “Where’s the rubbers? Who’s got the rubbers?” while it does promote safe sex, also promotes dead lyrics. There is no flow, no clever lyrics and certainly no old-school Eminem style; Hell, there’s barely any Dr. Dre or 50-Cent style on this track.

Crack a bottle is mediocre at best and If he keeps up like this, Eminem won’t need those rubbers he’s been looking for; he will have effectively sterilized his career.

Photo Source: SPIN Magazine

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